everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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