I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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