he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
