I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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