Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
