Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
