i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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