Already got asked if we're dating
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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