Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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