He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
