I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are the jesus of drinking
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
