My liver just broke up with me...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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