Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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