Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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