i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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