There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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