Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
