I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
