i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
