yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
