12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
