I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
