theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
