we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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