My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
