Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
