I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
