I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
