he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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