I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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