Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
