It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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