I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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