My nipple is on Facebook.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
