Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
