I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
