Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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