I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
