I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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