If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
