You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
