i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
