My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
