I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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