And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
