I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
