I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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