I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
