did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have tasted many bathrooms
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
