It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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